My life...shades of being alone.
(Latest 20 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (Climb the Ocean) (User info)
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
That's the end of that, Ker.
Fucking idiot jackoff. What the hell was that?
And Peter, you can just go to fucking hell.
Meeting Kerry for lunch. Which is good. But I got a cryptic phone message and now I've got a bad feeling about this.
Like I'm about to run into someone I don't really want to.
So, Ker--if you see this, can you clear up what you meant on the phone? Or let me know who's coming with you? I know you're in conference all morning and shit, won't see this most likely....but I want to know what I'm walking into here.
Still love Tom.
Still have pictures of Tom in leather in my head. Mmmmmm. Leather. Mmmmmmm. Tom.
(God, I'm fifteen. *sigh*)
Monday, May 26, 2003
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Waiting for Tom to call.
His mom is in the hospital, and he needs me. I told him I'd be there if she's in for any longer than the couple of days they expect.
Love you, Tom.
Had lunch with my girls. Feelin' loved.
They ooohed and ahhhed over Tom's picture and Kim asked all sorts of embarrassing questions, which was actually kind of fun. They seemed pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and over all just happy I'm happy.
Think I'll stop trying to track Kerry down; I mean, I like him, I know he cares for me. But---Ker, if you're out there....this is something I want.
Off to clean some stuff.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
I've been debating posting this, but I want to, so here we go.......
I've told Tom about this journal. He's got some questions, of course, and I'm going to talk to him about it tonight.
Tom....love you.
your,
Oliver.
Well, most of my fun is fun. Tom, for example? Way fun. Much with the fun. And the hot. But that's not what this is about.
This is about my friends. Not my lovely LJ friends, but the others.
Jess, who seems happy I'm happy. Kim, who is begging for lunch on Saturday and details about Tom's....body parts.
Tim, who is, as always, neutral.
Kerry, who thinks I'm making a huge mistake.
Peter, who reads here and seems to think his opinion matters to anyone.
I'll say it again, folks: I love Tom. He's a good man. He loves me. And he's not going to cheat on me, and yeah, it's hard being apart, but we'll cope. I can take care of myself, thank you very much.
In short--it's none of your business.
I'm turning off the comments on this one, just because if y'all want to fight I want to do it in person.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Okay, this might get long, so I might have to figure out that cut tag thing....
First, and most important...Tom. Always first, always most important.
I love him. He loves me. And the rest is just stuff.
Got to London and managed to survive the first meetings; found Tom at supper time in the lobby, then we headed out to eat and talk and be together. Made it most of the way through our meal before going back to the hotel in a rush, not really able to be together and dressed for any longer.
( cut for tmi )
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
All is well.
Will be better tomorrow. :D
Right. Okay. This is going to be good. Nerves are fine, really. Nerves are to be expected.
Going to see Tom in less than 24 hours.
Wheeeeeeeee!
Will post when I get back!
Monday, May 12, 2003
I will not panic, I will not panic I will not panic
Hell, how did I get this tied up so damn fast?
I can't tell him how much I care about him, not when he's just starting to really get what it means to be apart. That it's not all sexual frustration and long nights watching TV by yourself.
It's not having someone right there when you get bad news. Not having someone to hug when you do well. Not having a warm body to lean on.
It's...scary and frustrating and it makes me/him/us/whoever angry.
Maybe he feels like I'm letting him down, not being there. I know he doesn't think that, but maybe....maybe he feels it.
God, I wish I could tell him his mom is going to be fine. I wish I could be there.
I wish for a lot of things.
Two days. Then we have a week.
Then I have to leave him again.
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Got a bike yesterday...more or less 'cause Tom said "Go buy a bike, you know you wanna." I am such a dork. :P
But, good thing is I *love* it. My legs are killing me, and I may take the longest hot bath on record in a bit, but....I like it. It's a nice bike, and there really is something intense and freeing about riding.
Going to be with him soon. In two days I'll be hours away from getting on the plane. In three...well, with the time change I fully expect that 72 hours from now we'll be in bed. Maybe sleeping. Probably not.
He signed his last e-mail 'your Tom.'
I think I love him.
There is no way I'm going to sleep tonight.
Saturday, May 10, 2003
Had dinner with Kerry and the rest.
Told them in general terms about Tom--that I was seeing someone and yes, it's a long distance relationship. They took that fairly well, I guess, given they're friends with Peter and have always known that it was distance that led to our problems which led to Peter feeling like he....well, we'll skip that part.
Anyway, Kerry cornered me in the men's room after dinner, and asked me if I love Tom. I said no, that it was too soon for that. Kerry was obviously relieved.
But I lied. I can't say a flat no to that, I can only honestly say I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I do, but a part of me is agreeing with the voices that keep pointing out we've never even touched each other.
Don't know if that matters or not.
Only know he makes me feel good. Know he's a wonderful person. Know how badly I want to see him, talk to him, go to the zoo....hang out and laugh with him.
So, maybe?
And am I an idiot for tying him up in a relationship that I know is going to be full of "I miss you," and "I want to see you"? I've done this before, I know it's hard. Do I have a right to tie him down?
Do I have a choice?
It's his choice isn't it? He decides what he wants, I decide what I want, and if they're the same thing then...we'll be happy.
I do want to see him. That much is certain.
Thursday, May 8, 2003
So, a year ago today I threw Peter out.
Which means I should, by rights, be at home sobbing in my drink, instead of here at work trying to get things cleared up so I can go home and wait for Tom to call.
I'm not sure if he's doing it on purpose, but he's been sending me a flood of random notes today--it's been wonderful. Need that today, of all days.
He's getting tested. Will have results by the time I get to London. So all I have to do is worry about my self control and not drag him off to our room first thing. Even if I want to. :-)
It's more than that. Want him to know that.
But shit am I looking forward to being with him. :D
Wednesday, May 7, 2003
Seem to have gained some friends here.
/me looks suspiciously at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) byrne and ephemera.
Ummm..hi. Not going to waste time explaining who I am--if you're here I guess you know. Don't know *why* exactly you're here, but hey. You want to read about my love life, go ahead.
Speaking of....I need a little help. Going to London in a week (Yay!!!) and I want to take my boyfriend (yay!!!!!!!) a present. But--totally clueless.
Help? Suggestions?
He's a student, into outdoor climbing, cycling, reading, sci-fi shows and movies, comedies, and he's never had a peanut butter cookie. (I sent him some though. No stress.) Umm. Gift must be small enough that I can pack it, and something not terribly expensive--his comfort, not mine.
Idea?
*Oliver pauses for a moment to re absorb fact that he'll see Tom in a week. :D :D*
Back to work now.
Tuesday, May 6, 2003
Actual sex. And yeah, phone sex counts, if only because it's the only time in about a year that I've had active participation from another being.
God, we talked for like...an hour almost.
And it was weird and strange and wonderful and funny, and FUCK his accent is going to drive me out of my skull. Gah. He's.....sweet and kind and just so freaking nice. Warm. I want so badly to see him. Want to hold onto him at night and tell him how special he is. Want to wake up next to him.
Next week. Going to see my Tom.
Thank God for trip trading. Yay!
Saturday, May 3, 2003
This is me.
This is me trying to decide how deep I'm getting into this.
.........................................
oh oh.
That is all.
Except? Could love this boy, easily.
Oh oh. Scary.
Current mood: contemplative
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Meep.
So. I asked the boy out for dinner. And he said yes.
I'm surprised he's still talking to me, honestly. After...
Well. He asked, I told. And yeah, I jerked off again, telling him.
I am so going to hell.
Or! I'm so getting laid. In like...eight weeks.
urk.
Right. Good thing I have a lot of practice at this abstinence thing. Christ.
And yeah, nothing happens in my life that isn't breaking up or getting together. Think I'll change the name of my journal to "Oliver's heart and cock do weird things to his brain."
Or maybe I'll go take a shower. Or have lunch. Seeing as how I'm...you know. At work.
Tom's good.
Thursday, April 17, 2003
I think....
I think Tom is wonderful.
I think W. is a prick.
I think I am about to do something I'll regret. But hey. It's Toronto, he's in London, and........
Damn it.
Okay. Going to take a shower and sober up, then go to sleep. Tomorrow is a better day, and all that.
But Tom? He's really cool.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Tom's gay.
Still in London, but gay.
Yay?
Hmm.
/me wonders about the chances of something happening here. Like him. Seem to get on alright, but Way to soon to tell.
Sunday, April 6, 2003
3:57PM
And he e-mailed me back which is nice.
Heh.
He remembered me. :D
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)
|
|
